The Awesome Foursome
by Remote Perspectives
Summary: Follow the story of Saria, Gilbert Grissom, Harry Potter and Russell Coight in their quest to leave their confinement and to track down their evildoers. Rated M for swearing and some sexual content. Crossovers galore!


**THE AWESOME FOURSOME

* * *

****  
Ahem, and welcome to The Awesome Foursome, a fan fiction made from pure genius from the one and only me! OK, so this is how the story goes: Saria is playing her Ocarina when a mysterious guy/girl (can't tell you that yet) uses a stick to render Saria unconscious. When she wakes up she realizes that she isn't in the forest anymore. She realizes that the only way to survive is to trust outback adventurers, weird wizards and crime scene investigators. Remember to read and review! Even if you don't like the story, tell us why. Even suggest things! Enjoy! (And come back for story updates)!**

Saria looked up from where she was sitting. The sun had started to set – the perfect time to play with her Ocarina.

"_I know lets play something new" _Saria thought to herself as she played along, not knowing that a figure behind her was wielding a potentially dangerous stick.

"_Doot Doot DOOT Doot Doot DOOT_" She played, just as a shadow swept along her body.

WHAM! The stick came down on her hard.

Saria was lying eagle-like when the dust had settled. She was dead – not quite, but she WAS unconscious.

The figure in question dropped the stick, grabbed Saria by her legs and dragged her far away…

**FIVE HOURS LATER

* * *

**

When Saria awoke, she was laying on hard rock. Her vision blurred momentarily as she stared at the sky, trying to remember what had happened. "_Where am I?" _Saria thought to herself, rubbing her hand over the large bump that was the result to what caused her to lose consciousness in the first place. She looked around. It appeared to Saria that she wasn't in the forest anymore; she was in a cave of some sort. The first thing she noticed when she stood up was that her boots were missing – she was barefoot. "Hello?" Saria shouted at nothingness, half expecting to hear an answer. "_How did I get here?"_ she pondered.

"It's about time you awoke," said a broad voice into Saria's ear. She turned around, hoping to find someone who could save her – but when she saw the overweight figure of a man in his mid forties, she was unsure if he was an ally or an enemy. "Where are my boots?" she stated angrily, indicating to the man that she was wearing nothing on her feet. "Oh don't worry about that, just ask Russell for them back when you head outside," the man replied. "Russell? I don't know anyone named Russell," stated Saria as she headed out of the cave.

"Are you sure this is a good idea Russell?" shouted Harry Potter as she watched the Australian Outback Adventurer Russell Coight trying to pick berries that were _obviously _poisonous. "Do not worry young Potter! For I never travel into the bush without _one of these_," Russell replied, pulling out a sheet of paper stating what types of berries were safe to eat and which ones were poisonous. "HEY RUSSELL," shouted Gilbert Grissom, a forensic scientist from the CSI team in Las Vegas, "The young girl has awoken and wants her boots back!" - Saria had forgotten to tell the man her name. "Hey I'm just getting some berries, can't it wait?" Russell called back. Russell scooped up a handful of berries and waded back to the shore. Grissom shook his head. "Since when do berries grow in lakes, Russ?"

Russell stopped to think about the question – since _when_ did berries grow in lakes? "Um I don't know, but in the _handbook…_" whined Coight. "Give ME the handbook Russ, you don't need it!" shouted Grissom, lunging for the book located in Russell's left hand. "God only knows WHY you brought that book along with you! YOU don't need it! I'm a well-known fictional… erm… scientist lost in the FREAKING woods with a FREAKING moron wearing a FREAKING pair of pansy boots!" Grissom shouted again, his temper rising to boiling. It appeared to Saria that these two people were not the best of friends. "Look they're totally safe!" shouted Russell, who now faced Saria. "Here," Russell said angrily, shoving berries into Saria's mouth. "Swallow!" Russell said, this time in a softer voice. Saria swallowed. Almost spontaneously her vision blurred again, and she felt light-headed with nausea. "And here, these are your boots," Coight said, shoving her emerald green boots into her chest. She hastily placed her two feet into her boots, which were stretched because of Russell and his large feet.

Harry Potter, who had heard all the commotion from the 'lake', came running to the scene to see what was happening. "What's going on," Harry asked Saria in a hurry. "Eh. I don't know… well I ate some berries that Russell gave me and now… well, you get the picture," Saria replied, sounding half concerned and giggling with laughter. "Ok, then I'm glad you're safe," Harry said with his eyebrows raised.

Grissom walked over to Saria. "Let me introduce us," he said with a grin. Saria felt like she was going to faint again. "Well my name is Gil Grissom, a famous crime scene investigator, and this is…" (_"A famous what?" _she thought) "…Russell Coight, apparently a famous and well known adventurer, which I think is total bullshit… (_"This is all getting to my head,"_ she thought again, this time wavering on the spot) "… and this is young Harry Potter, a Wizard from England…" (_"Wizard…" _she thought, finding it difficult to breath) …and what's your name?"

Saria wavered on the spot again and promptly fainted. "I guess them berries were poisonous," Russell said.

**IN AN ABANDONED LABORATORY…

* * *

**

"Whoop, whoop!" shouted Professor Snape as he stroked his sausage with his left hand. Two days prior he had just found out that rubbing his Frankfurt in a peculiar way made him feel, well… _whoop!, _inside. He knew he shouldn't be doing it – Dumbledore told him specifically not to do it ever since he walked in on Snape earlier this morning. Suddenly, as though it was meant to be that Snape gets walked in on, _again_, Dumbledore waltzes into the room with a plate full of cream and scones, eagerly licking his lips. "Sorry to keep you waiting Snape, but… oh!" gasped Dumbledore, knowing all too well that he was not welcome.

"Sir! What are you looking at?" Snape gasped, covering his gherkin with his hands. Dumbledore laughed. "I know what your doing Snape… remember what I told you about masturbation earlier? Not in the laboratory, please…" Dumbledore said quickly, winking while doing so. Snape managed to wedge it between his pants, giggling and replied, "What's the status of the four hostages?"

Dumbledore looked downward. "Let me get the latest video footage," he replied, pulling out his penis… I mean wand, and heading to the door. "Snape… please don't touch the scones… or your dick," and with that, he opened the door and disappeared into the darkness. Snape licked his lips. Scones. The delicious smell of scones. Not just any old scones… they were _Dumbledore's scones_, made from the highest quality ingredients and baked with the utmost care. He couldn't help himself. Snape, using his right hand, grabbed a fresh scone and took a nibble. Bite. Whatever. "These scones are delish, but… they need…" his eyes darted forward. Cream, white sticky cream. "Cream!" Snape said deviously as he grabbed the small jug-like china that was filled with cream. _Just a little dab won't hurt…_

He put the cream on his scone. He drenched his scone with the warm, sticky cream until there was none left. Snape fucked up big time. "Shit... Dumbledore is going to have a field day with me now!" he muttered, remembering what Dumbledore had said to him minuted previously. _"Don't fuck with the cream…" _(or so he thought)… That's it! Snape had thought of the most brilliant idea he had ever mustered. He could _masturbate_ and _replace the cream _at the same time! I don't know how he got that out of 'fuck with the cream' but ah well.

Snape set to work, licking his lips at his most brilliant, yet disgusting plan yet.

**PETROL – HIGHLY FLAMMABLE

* * *

**

For the second time in two days, Saria had been forced to sleep – either by being knocked out from behind or by fainting over poisonous berries and shock. Her life had turned upside down after meeting an unlikely trio consisting of a British Wizard, an American Crime Scene Investigator and an Australian Outback Adventurer. The only thing common between them is that they're all lost and didn't have a clue in regards to why or how they got to their current location.

Saria was hastily shaken awake by none other then Russell Coight. "What is it now Russell?" Saria said sleepily, rubbing her eyes. Russell grinned. "Breakfast, made by the one and only Gilbert Grissom!" Russell said happily just as Saria let out an exhausted groan of disproval. I wonder what's on the menu today? Let's find out!

"Hey Grissom," Harry asked, facing the burning fire that was burning outside of the cave, "Do you think it's _safe_ to eat these eggs? I mean, Russell _did say_ he found them in a chickens nest and, well, he always has the tendency to _stuff things up_…" Grissom prepared to crack the eggs onto a piece of bark and smiled. "Well, there's only one way to find out," smirked Grissom as he cracked one of the eggs onto the burning bark. Green goop covered the bark and both Grissom and Harry covered their noses. "Bloody hell," shouted Harry as he looked on the verge of either passing out or chucking up. Russell Coight had struck again.

"What's all this noise and smoke and… holy crap!" shouted Russell as he ran out of the hut and faced Grissom. "What the fuck did you do Gilbert?" he shouted again. Grissom's face turned to an ugly shade of purple. Harry went all numb. "Hey it's our old pal Russell Coight! Nice breakfast we're having isn't it?" said Grissom, his temper quickly rising. If Grissom didn't get so angry maybe he would have noticed that his ass was on fire. "Hey Grissom, your ass is on fire," smirked Russell.

"My ass… MY ASS!!!" shouted Grissom as he saw (and felt) the fire on his lower half. Grissom started running around in circles, while Russell ran to get some water (he wanted to get back into Grissom good-books). Saria quickly ran outside to see what was happening (and then started running around in circles herself as she saw Grissom on fire), and Harry Potter took out his wand, shouted _Accio Fire_, and instead of putting out the fire, he accidentally turned Grissom into a giant running fireball. And, just as you thought nothing else could get worse, Russell Coight ran at full speed toward Grissom holding a large petroleum drum with the faded words: _Petrol – Highly Flammable_. I don't know where he got that.

Both Harry and Grissom screamed in horror (and in Grissom's case pain) as Russell ran toward Grissom, tripped over Saria and let go of the large can. Grissom tried to outrun the large rolling can, but unluckily the odds were against him. The explosion caused nearby trees to catch fire, and caused Saria, Harry and Russell temporary deafness. As they watched the charred body of one of the worlds top crime scene investigators rise up into the sky in pieces, Russell let out the word "shit" and beckoned both Harry and Saria into the cave so they wouldn't get hit by flying debris.

** WILL UPDATE SOON R&R :)**


End file.
